Yelena is now 20 years old.
What worries me the most is the stealing and lying. It has been going on since she was 3 years old and has never let up. Yelena took money from a guest we had staying with us. She also took a purse that I keep in my car with quarters in it. I found it in her room empty except for one pearl earring (that was my mothers - where did she get it from and where is the other one?). My husband and I started talking to one of our sons who is living with us about it and he listed off a whole bunch of stuff that she has stolen from him (which he has not told us about, but that is another story…) Then, last night I went to wash my face and I had bought this new expensive “gadget” for washing my face (which I love) and it was gone so I confronted Yelena. This of course led to a “scene”. She said that she didn’t have it and I had to get out of her room. I stated I wasn't leaving until I got it back. Then she said that if I left her room, she would give it back (not understanding that this was an admission of guilt) and I said: no way, I want it now. Finally, I said I would call the police, to which she responded that would be fine with her and she wan't afraid of jail because she is very tough and she knows all about prison because she has watched a lot of TV shows about it and knows everything there is to know about how to survive in jail. I had my phone in my hand and I said OK and started to dial. I said "9" and "1" and she said "OK" and walked into my room and threw it on the floor. I put out my hand and I said, please pick it up and give it to me. She eventually did and then slammed her door on me.I was supposed to take Yelena to NY this weekend for my niece's baby shower and we were going to stay with a friend one night and my cousin another night but I am had to re-think this as Yelena has stolen from people we have stayed with before and I really don’t want to put my friend, my cousin, Yelena or myself in a potentially bad situation. I’m now trying to think through what to do. I already told my friend and my cousin that we are not going to stay with them but am still considering a hotel for one night. Not sure.
So, Yelena and I went to NY last weekend for my niece's baby shower. I woke her up Saturday morning and asked if she could be ready in an hour and she said sure. She had already agreed to that the night before. An hour later, I was ready to leave and Yelena was in the kitchen still in her pajamas and said that her laundry was wet and she just put it in the dryer. I tried not to react but she got really upset and said I was going to leave without her and that she really wanted to go and had been looking forward to it for a long time. I said we would wait for her laundry.
One and a half hours later we left the house and the traffic was unreal. It took me 5-1/2 hours to get to NY (usually takes me 3-1/2). We stopped for something to eat and I expressed annoyance at the traffic to which she said to me: “It’s not my fault that my laundry wasn’t dry.” The comment bothered me for several reasons: I had not said anything blaming them at all, I was merely commenting on the traffic and yes, it was her fault that her laundry was wet. Whose fault was it? I was not assigning fault here, I was just commenting on the traffic. It just seemed so very out of touch with reality…
I also did ask there to talk to out friend and to her brother and make restitution for the things she stole. I prefaced it by saying that I was only going to say this once. She got very angry at me and said she didn't want to go to NY with me if I was going to be harping on that and telling her what to do all the time. I said I would not mention it again but I expected her to do it.
Yesterday morning, I asked her to wash some breakfast dishes she had left in the living room that she had used the day before. Since her friend was over, she smiled sweetly and put them in the kitchen. When I came home that night, the dishes were still sitting next to the sink and I asked her to wash them. She ran them under some water and put them in the dish drain. When I suggested the possible use of a sponge and some soap, she said “You should be glad that I am doing them at all.” (Her allowance is based on her doing the dishes.)
Awhile ago, Yelena had decided that since she is now 20, she can do whatever she wants and decided that she did not want to take meds anymore so she stopped. I talked to her therapist about this and she suggested that I ask Yelena myself about how she was feeling without the meds. I did ask her. I said that she seemed a little (I forget what word I used: touchy, snippy, angry, off kilter) lately and I was wondering if she had noticed any difference in the way they felt when she were taking the meds compared to now. She responded that: “The only thing that was wrong with her was me.” That I was annoying her all the time and putting her in a very bad mood.
We have barely spoken since. I invited a friend of thers over on the other day because her Mom had to work and didn't want to leave her alone but other than that she has not been out of her room or the house all of vacation…
