The Storm Clouds Continue to Gather...

This is the email I sent to Yelena's therapist this morning:

Thanks for your help.
Things have not been going very well - either on Yelena's end or ours.
We spent about 9 hours last night in the ER after my husband called the police. It was a kind of craziness that he ended up calling the cops in the first place - he thought that she was escalating but I didn't.  Everyone (the staff at the hospital, Yelena, myself and my husband) felt kind of 50/50 about having her admitted. In the end, she wanted to come home and we brought her home. 

I don’t really feel that 2 weeks in a CBAT is a solution. It is a vacation - TV, movies, junk food and trips. It is a break but it doesn't address any of the issues.

The other morning, I found her wallet on her bed in plain view (almost as if she had put it there for me to find) and it had $75 in it in 5 dollar bills - an unusual denomination for so many bills so we thought it might have come from some place specific. She had gone to the library without permission on Wednesday and Thursday nights and was there for about 5 or 6 hours each time. I called the library and they said that they were not missing money from their cash registers. I asked Yelena about it and pushed her a bit. At first she said that she had had it for a week and she honestly didn’t remember where she got it from. Right. The she finally told us before she left the hospital that she had gotten it from a kirtan/music that we had all gone to about a month ago where there was a basket that people put their contributions in. It makes some sense but I still don’t think that’s the truth. I know that it’s not the right thing to push her for the truth (partially since I am not getting anywhere) but it’s driving me nuts. I am also missing a gold necklace my mother gave me that is very valuable. She says she has no idea what I am talking about. I have torn the house upside down but I can’t find it. She is probably getting quite a buzz off of me for all this. I have been trying to talk to her and I keep hearing in the back of my head you saying that we talk to our children too much. 
I think this episode is far from over yet…


Warning: Storm Clouds Overhead...

     This morning after I woke her up for school (at 5:45 AM), Yelena turned on her Frozen CD really loud. Her boom-box is on the other side of the wall that separates our bedrooms and it is right near my head. I banged on the wall and asked her to lower the volume (which I have done before with no ill effects.) She didn't lower the volume so I asked again. Her response was to storm into my room and tell me that she didn’t want me banging on her wall and then she slammed the door really hard as she left the room. My husband got up to go to the bathroom and she yelled at him as well and then came in our room again and slammed the door a second time for emphasis. My husband went to the Y.

     My husband told me this morning that she ate some chocolate covered strawberries that the girls bought that were in the fridge with their name on them.  Ten dollars worth. They need to actually hide them not just put their name on them.

     After she left for school, I searched her room and I found:  
1. My spare set of car keys (I have been locking my car every night because I keep food in it).
2.  A really nice brand-new looking black leather jacket. It does not belong to us. I emailed her teacher about it.
3. A screwdriver and a pair of scissors (things that I don't keep around the house.

     It’s almost like she is acting out because she feels guilty.

     I called my husband this afternoon from work to see how things were going after she came home. He said that he was in the kitchen with everyone and he said to Yelena: "This would be a really good time to apologize to W. for eating her chocolate covered strawberries." Apparently she apologized and my husband said that they had cost $10. and that he had already reimbursed the girls and expected that she would reimburse him.

    When I came home from work, Yelena was very surly towards me. I said that I was going to make us a big salad with everything in it and she said she didn't want salad. Everyone else was going out to eat dinner and to listen to my husband sing at a local restaurant. I took some chicken out of the freezer and she said "I don't want chicken either." She asked why I was so angry with her and I said that I didn't feel close to her and I felt like she was pushing me away. She said that she knew she wasn't going to be allowed to go to Karate tomorrow. I said that Daddy and I had to discuss it. She said that she knew we had thrown out her DVD player and all her Avatar (the Last Airbender) books and DVD's and all I said was they they were being kept safe for her. She laughed and said "Yeah, safe in the garbage." She repeated these accusations several times but I didn't say anything further,

     I decided on risotto and started cutting onions and mushrooms. I had a large kitchen knife which she took and pointed at me. I didn't blink. I told her to please put the knife down several times which she did not do. She held it up to herself and said she would cut herself and I said that I didn't think so. She said "Well, I will use it. I have already committed suicide several times already." It was hard not to laugh. My husband was still at home and about to leave. He told me to leave and go to a friends house. I got my bag and my computer but Yelena beat me out of the door and went and stood in front of my car door so that I couldn't get into my car. We went back into the house and I went back to cooking my risotto. I told my husband to go and he told me that he wanted to be sure that I was safe (and that we were both safe) and to call him later. I went to say goodbye to him and coming back into the kitchen, Yelena blocked the door. I said "Excuse me" several times but she made no effort to move. She told me that she was a lot stronger than I was and I couldn't stop her from doing whatever she wanted to. I forced my way into the kitchen to turn off the stove. She encircled me like a coat so I couldn't move. I got free and I grabbed my purse and headed out to the car. She followed me and said: "If you want me, I will be at the library" and she took off down the street. I got in my car and then decided to follow her a little ways. She looked like she was about to turn around to go home but saw me and continued on her way. I went to get some Sushi.

     When I got home at 9:30, all the lights in the house were on. The kitchen was a mess. She had eaten leftover pizza and had not cleaned up. I started washing dishes. She came into the kitchen and said "I'm sorry, Mommy." I said that I knew she was sorry and I kissed her on the forehead. I asked her to clean up her dishes (while I finished the 1/2 made risotto). She cleaned up and then she said she was going up to bed.

     I know it isn't over yet...



Boy Trouble...

Yelena has had a "boyfriend" for a couple of years. He is a boy who she met at camp so (conveniently) she only saw him about four weeks a year. We will call him Sam.

After the summer she met Sam she came home with a very jam packed suitcase. When I was throwing everything into the wash, I found a note from her to Sam. I think she never gave it to him because she still had it but she wrote it. It said something like: "I will meet you after dinner behind the dining hall and I will show you mine if you will show me yours." I think that was the moment when I first started thinking about contraception or (an even better solution) getting her tubes tied.

Last summer when she went to camp she told me that she was going to kiss him. I said "Nothing more than that OK?" She agreed. When she came home I asked her if they had kissed and she said that they had and she was very happy. I thought it was all very sweet (not sure about innocent though).

Last summer, I picked her up at camp and she was upset about Sam. She asked to use my cell phone to call him and I did let her have it. And, yes, I listened to the conversation... Apparently something had happened and she wouldn't really tell me what it was but when she spoke to him, she wanted to talk about this "thing" that had happened. She said it was all a misunderstanding and he hung up on her. She called again, they talked for a few minutes and he hung up on her again. She called again and he didn't answer the phone. She tried a few more times and then stopped.

In the middle of the winter she decided to give it another try and called him again. This time he spoke to her and they made up and they were all lovey-dovey again. He sent her a Valentine and a birthday card and they talked on the phone frequently. She seemed happy.

A few months ago she told me that they spoken and he had broken up with her again. She was crying and distraught. It made me very sad and I asked her to tell me the whole story. What she told me was that she had told another girl in her bunk (let's call her Lauren) that there was another boy that she really liked. I asked her who that was and she said it was Ethan, who she had met in second grade. She hasn't seen him since fourth grade and she is now in eighth grade. Apparently, Lauren told Sam that Yelena had another boyfriend and Sam was angry so he broke up with Yelena. Yelena was sure that Lauren told him that because she wanted him for herself. Yelena also told me that Lauren had tried to kill her and was then sent home in the middle of the summer. Where the truth lies is anyone's guess.

So apparently, Sam was talking to Lauren again and she encouraged him to break up with Yelena. Then Sam told some of his friends at school what had happened and all his friends told him that he should break up with her so that was what he did. I told her that she didn't want a guy who breaks up with her because his friends tell him to.

Yelena is in eighth grade and at the end of the year they have a "Moving On" ceremony. The ceremony is at 6, then there is a dinner at 7 (her teacher said that this means pizza) and then a dance until 10. About a month ago, Yelena came home with the very happy news that someone had invited her to the dance! I asked her who it was and she said that it was a guy in her science class named Nick (all names are changed to protect the guilty). She said it was no big deal as she has known him since 6th grade. I asked her what she was going to wear and she said she wasn't sure. She said that she was "consulting" with her best friend trying to help her figure out her outfit for the ceremony and party. Yelena is a tomboy who wears nothing but basketball sneakers, blue jeans and her father's T-shirts which she steals with alarming regularity. Her best friend is what Yelena would call a "girly girl" and always wears really nice clothes, is interested in fashion and looks very put together. Yelena is going to help her get dressed?

The other day, I was at a school event and I asked her teacher about Nick. She said that she had never heard of anyone named Nick. She asked another one of the teachers who accompanies Yelena to her science class (which is a mainstream class) if she knew anything about Nick and she also said that she had no idea who he was. I am starting to get worried here.  I asked them to see what they could find out. A few days later, I got an email from her teacher that went like this:

We found out about Nick and he is a very popular 8th grader who plays football.  Yelena says hi to him but Kathy (the other teacher) has never seen them talking to each other.  I do not know how accurate this is that he asked her to the dance.  She has never mentioned it in class or to any other kids.  
I talked to the staff at school and they said 8th Graders do not typically ask each other to the dances, they go in groups.

I am starting to get very worried here.  I had told a friend about the situation and she asked what I was going to do and I told her that I was just not going to mention anything else about it and see what happens.

Well, tonight my husband and I were doing the dishes and Yelena had already gone upstairs. She came back into the kitchen a little while later and said that she was depressed. I asked her why. She said that she had been upstairs and the phone had rang and she answered it. I have to say right here that the phone is my husbands business phone and normally no one ever answers it including my husband. She said that she answered the phone and it was Sam calling to tell her that he was sorry and that he wanted to get back together again. She said that she told him that he had had his last chance and it was over between the two of them. She was very proud of herself for telling him off and my husband cheered her on. Yelena told Sam that she was in love with someone else anyway. I asked who that might be and she told me that it was Nick. Nick the Phantom...

I had the feeling that no such conversation had taken place and I went on line and looked up the phone calls to that number (Oh, the marvels of modern computer science!!) and sure enough there were no calls received or made on that phone in the past few days. So she did not talk to him tonight.

Such an elaborate story and I have no idea how much or if any of it is true at all. She is also only 15 so I have the feeling we are in for a lot more of this....