Happy 2012

I was in the car with Yelena the other day and she had on a brand new wrist band/ace bandage type of thing. She has always been drawn to ace bandages and has used them whenever she has had the chance, whether or not she has been hurt in any way.

In the public school last year, her teacher had forbidden her to wear an ace bandage in class. If she hurt herself, she would get one from the nurse and then continue to wear it every day for weeks. She complained constantly that her wrist or arm hurt (not usually her leg or ankle and I think that’s because you couldn’t see it.) Her teacher felt it was distracting to her and the other students because she wrapped and rewrapped it constantly. I felt that if there was some psychological need that it was satisfying then she should be permitted to wear it especially since she was not permitted to use any other “fidgets” in class. That was last year and now she is at a new school. Finally, after many years of hard work, Yelena has an out-of-district placement and it has made a world of difference (for the better.) But that is another story…

I asked Yelena where she had gotten the ace bandage. It looked new and clean and was obviously some kind of wrist splint. She told me that she had found it under her bed. Since I do clean under her bed occasionally, I knew she could not have just “found” it there. I told her that and said that she could write down where she got it that if she preferred to. Sometimes when she is embarrassed about something, it helps her to write it down rather than say it. She took a pad of paper and wrote down that she had found it in my drawer when I had been watching TV last night and she was supposed to be asleep. I told her that it wasn’t possible because I did not own anything like the one she had and had never seen it before. I said she could have another chance to tell the truth and write it down if she needed to. She started to write and then stopped and asked me: “When was the last time I had a sleepover at Jane Doe’s house?” I said that it hadn’t been since last year and I had cleaned her room entirely over the summer and it was not there. She was silent.

It occurred to me that if she had something that she could use as an ace bandage, she wouldn’t hide it for months, she would probably wear it immediately as soon as she got it. We had been at a friend’s house the day before so I asked her if it had come from their house. I said that I could easily check with my friend and picked up my phone to call her but she wasn’t home so I left a message. Meanwhile Yelena took the bandage off and place it on the seat next to her. I asked her where in their house she had found it and she said “In the bathroom.” It seemed like the first reasonable explanation out of the four she had given me. I told her that she was going to have to give it back to my friend and apologize. She said she knew that and didn’t seem to be upset about that in the least. I also added that there might be another consequence as well but I needed to talk it over with her father as consequences don’t seem to phase her or change her behavior at all.

For Christmas, Yelena received DVD’s of two full seasons of a TV show that she loves (Avatar, the Last Air Bender). She has been unable to stop watching them, almost like a compulsion. She got many other presents. She took the wrappings off and looked at them but never opened the boxes. After a week, I took them all and put them in a closet wondering if she would notice. She hasn’t noticed yet. Out of sight, out of mind. I might just return them and get my money back.

Over the Christmas vacation, Yelena was so obsessed with the DVD’s of  “Avatar” that my husband woke up several nights to find her at 3 AM or 4:30 AM or whatever downstairs glued in front of the TV set (strangely, I slept through it all). We had a new TV set that we just got. On our old set, we had cut off the plug and replaced it with a male plug and then we made an intermediate cord with a male and female end so that Yelena is not able to watch TV unless she has this “intermediate” cord. After a few days with the new TV set, I went to Home Depot and cut the cord and rigged it up like our old TV.

And yes, we also have locks on many of the doors in our home because Yelena has no boundaries. She will take anything that strikes her fancy – from an article of clothing to a diamond ring. She will also eat anything that is not nailed down. She especially likes sugar and if there is nothing sweet to eat, she will eat plain sugar, cake mix, pudding mix or anything else that has sugar in it. The pantry in the kitchen is locked. My studio is locked. The doors to the rooms of our other children are locked. We have used a hasp on the door with a combination lock. Over the past few weeks, we have found that Yelena has gotten through the locks (actually, I am a little bit proud that she is that clever but otherwise furious). We initially thought she was figuring out the combiation but then realized that she has taken the pin out of the hasp and can open and then relock the door without ever opening the combination lock.

So I will amend the first sentence of the second to last paragraph: Yelena was so obsessed with the DVD’s of  “Avatar” that my husband woke up several nights to find her at 3 AM or 4:30 AM or whatever downstairs glued in front of the TV set eating oreos and drinking lemonade. She would be eating sugar and watching TV 24/7 if we let her...

This Weekend

I would love to blog more but time is always a problem... 

This was our weekend:

Friday: My husband, Yelena and I had a nice dinner together and watched a movie. I noticed a bracelet that I had never seen before sitiing on the coffee table and asked Yelena where it came from. She said that a friend gave it to her. I asked which friend. She finally said C. So I asked if it was OK if I called C's Mom to check and she said NO. She said she found it on the ground at school and we asked why she had not turned it into the lost and found. Meltdown. Finally got her to bed after an hour of screaming. 

Saturday: We have two exchange students from Mexico living with us. It is my only source of income at the moment and we really enjoy having them but as far as Yelena is concerned it was a big mistake. She is intensely jealous of them and any time we spend with them or attention that we give them. Apparently, Yelena was in the Mexican girls room Saturday morning. They asked her to leave and then they closed their door and she started to knock on the door for awhile and shoot rubber bands at the door. She thought it was funny but eventually stopped. They were freaked out by her behavior. My husband  gave the girls his cell phone and told them to call us if anything like that happens again. 

Yelena went for a playdate with a friend from her old school. When she came home, her friends Mom came up to the door and said that Yelena had said that she didn't want her to come in and that she just wanted to be dropped off. We were curious as to why she didn't want her to talk to us. Her friends Mom said they had a great time and Sarah was well behaved and that she spent the $10.00 she had on Yugioh cards. My husband and I looked at each other - Did you give her $10.00? No. Did you give her $10.00? No.

We asked Yelena where she got the money from. I told her that if she told me the truth quickly there would be less of a consequence than if she didn't tell me for awhile. She was supposed to go out to a movie and I said if she told me what happened she could go (mainly because I felt like we all needed time apart.) She wrote me a note that said: "I took the money from your purse. Are you happy now?" My husband was ready to call the Crisis Team.

Sunday AM: While Yelena was taking a shower and getting ready for Hebrew School, I went into her bedroom and right in the middle of her bed in plain sight was my old wedding ring. She did not seem to have any recollection when she took it or where she took it from. It was also not hidden and placed in such a way that it was screaming: FIND ME.

So, I took her to Hebrew School while my husband called the Crisis Team and they were waiting for us when we got back. I actually went out for the rest of the afternoon so I can't give a first hand report but my husband said she was very volatile.

The plan that she did with the crisis team states as the goal: "Client will display good behavior within the next three days to be able to go to Thanksgiving in NY." I wouldn't have written it like that... Also, My husband said that Yelena said she wan't sure she could do that. 

Today with her therapist, she said she didn't want help that she just wanted us to send her to jail. This is the second weekend in a row that we have had the Crisis Team in our home. Last weekend, she "broke into" the Mexican girls room and stole a huge bag of left over Halloween candy and rifled through one of their purses.  I say broke in because everyone now has combination locks on their doors and somehow she figured out the combination and went into their room. 

The stealing and lying has been escalating to epic proportions in the last few weeks. She doesn't seem to have a lot of remorse or shame about it. She knows the rules about stealing and lying but somewhere there seems to be a disconnect between thought and action. The impulse seems so strong that it is not modified by any mere cognitive idea. We can't leave her alone at all. She had her period recently and it could be hormonal or she needs her meds re-evaluted and tweaked. I don't know. I just know that I am totally spent.

A Snapshot of Yelena

I stopped at the grocery store the other day on the way home and Yelena decided to stay in the car and start on her homework. When I got back to the car, she had the passenger side sun visor in her hand and it was clearly broken. She was visibly distressed and said: "I'm so sorry. It was an accident. I didn't mean to do it. Are you going to be angry with me?" I said "Well, I can't say that it makes me really happy that it is broken." Yelena responded angrily by saying "You blame me for everything! All you want to do is get me in trouble!"

My Life as a Parent of a Traumatized, Attachment‐Disordered Child

I have copied this from The Attachment and Trauma Network (http://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/) because it is a really good description of my life. I am sitting here at my computer tonight feeling very frustrated and doing research on "developmental trauma disorder" and alternate therapies such as neuro-reorganization, EMDR, neuromodulation, neurofeedback, etc.

Note: This letter was written by members of the Attachment & Trauma Network (ATN)
as an example of how to talk about your own personal experiences and share your
family’s struggles with people who may want to, but don’t, understand. Feel free to use
any parts of this document as you edit this story to make it your own. Julie Beem,
Executive Director, ATN (http://www.radzebra.org/)

I’m giving you this letter because you have expressed an interest in my experience as a
parent of a traumatized, attachment‐disordered child. It is not a story I relate to you
lightly. My child has some very special needs and because of this, so do I. I need people
to understand what our family faces, not just judge us as incompetent. It isn’t fair what
happened to my child or to me. But it is what we are both facing, and we face it
together everyday.


First, I’d like you to know that this letter was not written just by me. Parents from all
over the country are using it to tell a uniquely tragic story. This letter isn’t the ranting of
one isolated, overwhelmed, and oversensitive adult. I did not "do" this to my child. My
child came to me this way. Chances are he would be struggling with these same
behaviors and emotions in any family. My child's problems are not the result of poor
parenting by me. In fact, parents of traumatized children are some of the most
courageous, committed, resourceful, insightful, misunderstood and stressed‐out
parents around. We are not just bellyachers. We are in fact, front‐line troops in the
battle for civilization itself. If you think that’s somehow overinflated, consider the
statistics that most of today’s prison population was abused and/or neglected and many
have attachment‐related emotional problems.


So here is what happened—when my child was a little baby, at the time he was most
vulnerable, he did not get his basic needs met. Perhaps, he was not picked up when
crying, not fed when hungry, left alone for hours, or left with various strangers for days.
Perhaps he was beaten, shaken, or otherwise physically or sexually abused. Perhaps he
had chronic or unmitigated pain due to medical procedures and had no way of
communicating his distress. I might guess at these details of my child’s trauma, but I will
never likely know the full truth. Because of this neglect and abuse, my child became
traumatized and was convinced that he was going to die. He learned that he could not
trust anyone to meet his needs. And every day since, when my child wakes up in the
morning, this deep‐seated anxiety gets reloaded. In order to survive, he has become
unconsciously committed to never, ever being vulnerable again. He uses all of his basic
survival intelligence to control an outside world he feels he cannot trust. All his
existential energy is focused on keeping people far enough away so he won’t get hurt
again, but close enough that they won’t leave him either. Unfortunately, he is never
really satisfied with either proximity and is therefore constantly in a “push them
away/pull them close” dilemma. As his adoptive (or foster or biological) parent, I live
everyday in this no man’s land of damaged intimacy. I’ve been emotionally wounded
from the many times I’ve tried to break through my child’s formidable defenses. Those
who don’t need to get as close—teachers, relatives, neighbors, etc.—won’t experience
the full intensity of these primal defenses. So if you are lucky enough to see him
withdraw or witness one of his rages, you are probably getting close—so good for you!
But if this does happen, please remember that you are witnessing a child stuck in a
desperate fight for survival—he has become once again that scared, traumatized baby,
absolutely convinced he has to control you and everything in the world in order to be
safe. It can’t get more primal than that.


As his parent, I am dedicated to helping him realize that I am not his enemy. It is that
stark, I’m afraid. But not hopeless. During these very difficult years, I have tried many
approaches to parenting of my special child. The standard, traditional disciplinary
approaches used by my parents were obviously tried first and were an instant failure.
Star charts and behavior‐based rewards came next, and they did not work either. I have
tried using praise rather than criticism, bribery, ignoring destructive behaviors, created
known‐in‐advance consequences listed on print‐outs. I’ve hired numerous specialists;
cleared all possessions out his bedroom; taken away TV and computer privileges.


Nothing has changed his dangerous, self‐destructive behavior. His response is more
primal, more subconscious, and has little to do with a situation or possessions involved.
It has to do with the fear that’s triggered, the trust that was broken, the chaos he feels.
It’s like he is having emotional seizure, as cascading brain chemistry takes him over. He
doesn’t choose this – I don’t choose this—it just happens. So our days are mostly filled
with emotional explosions and uneasy calms between the storms. When it does get
quiet, I’m nervous about when the next bomb will hit. Each day is filled with anxiety,
fear, guilt, and shame for us both. It is like we’re living on an emotional minefield, and
the mines keep regenerating, exploding again and again.


What I face daily is, that despite my best efforts to be a loving caregiver, my child’s early
developmental trauma has created a discord that is a true paradox. For example, I may
try to gently calm my upset child, but this is not experienced as soothing to him. So his
trauma is triggered and he may withdraw, shut down or lash out. This causes me to get
stressed as my child reacts counter to my intention. Now my stressful reaction starts to
feel familiar, even “safe”, to him, so he works (often subconsciously) to expand this, and
we descend into deeper and deeper dysfunction and chaos. To my child’s traumainjured
brain, this dysregulated feeling, which feels painful to healthy people, actually
feels normal to him. And I’m left feeling stressed, angry, and emotionally spent.
Absolute total consistency (at home and at school) does help somewhat. Parenting
traumatized children like this is nothing like parenting emotionally healthy children. The
responses you receive can be very unrewarding and punishing, since moments of
closeness and intimacy are very rare and can trigger a trauma reaction. My beloved
special child is often willing to do for others (even complete strangers) what he is not
willing to do for me (this is another behavior common with attachment disorder).


The damage done due to early childhood trauma and not being able to safely attach to a
trusted caregiver has left my child with the emotional development of a toddler or
infant. But the big difference is that my child is not a toddler. He’s much older and
knows how to swear, punch a hole in the wall, and swing his fists or feet to hurt others.
Imagine the terrible‐twos lasting for years and years, escalating in intensity and effect—
I’m a parent of a 100+ pound, physically coordinated, verbally adept, emotionally
trigger‐happy baby.


Imposing limits isn’t enough. My child must be helped to accept these limits and
internalize the self‐regulation, self‐soothing, and self‐control required to do so.
Rewards and punishments focus on the outside, observable behaviors, not the internal
underlying process that creates these behaviors. At the same time, he does not need us
to lower our expectations for either his behavior or his academic performance. What he
needs is help in accepting and reacting to these expectations with flexibility and selfcontrol.
He needs to restart the developmental process and move beyond an emotional toddler.
He needs to move out of this developmental disarray toward a more civilized, balanced inner process.


Our family needs support, education and understanding. We did not expect that this
would be our daily reality, and it isn’t easy. I may seem stressed, fearful or angry. I am
frequently overwhelmed. I am making significant sacrifices so that my child can rise
above the chaos of his trauma and find true hope and healing. We all have amazing
abilities to adapt, as adversity can deepens us and perhaps this will be so for my child as
they confront deeply sealed wounds and transgressions. But we must go beyond
intellectual definitions of “normal” and “cured” and think of it in another way: Can
someone’s affliction, which has shut off various levels of meaning from their life, be
mitigated enough to possibly reopen some of those channels? Or put another way, if
left alone without special effort, will these kids descend into more and more chaos?
Clearly, the answer to both questions is yes. Therefore, the effort and sacrifice I’m
making in my life for him, and the help you are now hopefully willing to give me, is of
great value. Help me help my child realize the true blessing life can be.


Thank you for reading this.

Thursday Night: April 21

First, I want to thank my wife for documenting in this blog a diary of the special challenges and struggles that we as parents of adopted children face.  These children have been hurt deeply in ways that many times we know nothing about and that happened before we even met them.  I am the only father that Yelena has ever known and very often I feel powerless, inadequate and frustrated when my good intentioned efforts to love, nurture and to teach Yelena the basic skills necessary to function, form healthy relationships and to respect other’s property and feelings prove totally ineffective.  On the contrary, my repertoire of efforts to parent, which come primarily from the ways I was parented, usually result in exacerbating Yelena’s tantrums and do not help her to connect any of her behaviors (including stealing, playing with fire and threatening her mother and I with knives and fists) with any consequences (loss of privileges, chance to earn them back, etc.) that follow. 

It seems that thus far, in the ongoing struggles to love and parent our daughter, any of the consequences that I try to enforce are taken in by Yelena as another justification that I am the “mean daddy”.  All too often I take this in personally, become outraged (I would never talk to my father that way), and argue with my wife about backing down from enforcing consequences such as, “Yelena, when you are punching us or waving a sharp object at us I will call the police and/or crisis team because that is unacceptable.” 

I feel deeply inside myself the frustration that taking Yelena’s behavior personally is not helpful and yet almost all of the time (even though I am a psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience), I have absolutely no idea in the moment what to do. Except to remember that  twelve years ago in a far away land and for the first year and a half of her life Yelena was deeply hurt. Then she was taken away by two strangers in a big flying machine thousands of miles away to another far away land. When I remember this, it helps me to not take anything Yelena does or says too personally.

Late Thursday night, it occurred to me that perhaps the reason that it helps me have compassion for my daughter is that in my life, I have been deeply hurt too.