Camp/Vacation/Respite/Time Out/Relief

     Tomorrow we will drive Yelena to Maine for 3-1/2 weeks at camp. This is a milestone that I wasn't sure was going to happen this year. It was touch and go for awhile but then my husband and I sat down and decided that no matter what was happening with her, we would do everything we could to try to get her to camp. We are almost there...

     Looking back on the past few months: there were 6 days in the ER over Memorial Day weekend, then two weeks at a very mediocre in-patient hospital program, two weeks of a partial hospital program, graduation from 8th grade and then a total of 3 days that she went to school for the past month or so. She has been spending her days from 9 am to 9 pm at the public library.

     I happen to love libraries. I spent a large part of my childhood at the main branch of the Brooklyn Public Library looking at books. Yelena spends her days there on the computer going back and forth between a mind boggling mixture of Disney, anime, music videos and pornography. I went to check on her the other day and I asked the reference librarian what he would do if he saw a child in the library watching pornography. He said that he would do nothing. I asked if that was the official policy and he said that he didn't know what the policy was.  I asked to speak to his supervisor. I ended up speaking to a lovely woman who used to be a librarian in the children's room and has known Yelena for years. She said that the policy of the library was not to turn a blind eye to children doing potentially dangerous things on a computer and she would definitely go up to Yelena if she saw her watching something inappropriate and tell her that it was inappropriate. She said that she would find the exact wording of their policy and send an email out to all employees.

     Part of the reason that Yelena has refused to go back to school is because she said that it wasn't any fun. Did someone say high school was supposed to be fun??? Also, the therapist that she has had at school for the past three years and who she has been very close to, has decided to retire and told Yelena that her second day there. When I suggested that she might want to go to school to see Dr. M., Yelena said that she never wanted to see her again for the rest of her life and then proceeded to get very close to a tantrum on the subject. I think the strength of her reaction only belies exactly how hurt she is about losing Dr. M. This loss and the transition from middle school to high school has just about done us all in. Had I known that she would not be going to school, I would have sent her to camp for the entire summer. Hindsight is 20/20.

   I am thinking however, about planning a pleasant day with my husband after we drop Yelena at camp. I would like to explore an area we have never been before: find a new beach, lie on the sand for a few hours, a lobster roll, a beer, a swim in the ocean. Relax. Together. Just two of us.

This was the email I sent to her teacher this morning:

Yelena had a rough day yesterday. She was ready to go to school and then because the van was late, she said,  “I am not going to school if the bus is going to make me be late again” and went upstairs again. She came back down because I needed her to unlock the phone before I sent it to school (and remove the pornography). She got angry and started walking down the street. She spent the whole day at the library on the computer. 

When I went to get her at 6 pm, I decided to take a different tactic with her than "You need to come home now" because I knew that would not work. I pulled a chair up next to her and she shoved me and told me to go away. I said  "I need a hug." No response. I said it again and she said "Well, you don't deserve one." I did not say anything and I got up and walked away feeling really hurt. I realized a little later that she probably meant that SHE didn't deserve it.

She came home at 9 pm (when the library closes) and was very pleasant. (That was 12 hours on the computer in the library). She ate dinner and then lay with her head in my lap for about 1/2 and hour before she went to bed. I said that I knew this was a rough transition and I asked her how it was going at school and she said, “so-so.”

I had asked her if she wanted to go to camp and told her that she didn’t have to if she didn’t want to (inspire of the fact that I have already paid several thousand dollars for it). She responded emphatically that she did want to go. She had said the other day after she stole the phone at home (very sadly),  “I guess this means I won't be going to camp.” So I was thinking that either she was expecting that as a consequence or that she really didn’t want to go and was stealing so that we would tell her she could not go to camp. I am still not sure. She repeated yesterday how much she wanted to go to camp and I responded by saying that her actions were not indicating that. I asked if she wanted to go to a CBAT or to the hospital and she said she didn’t want to be away from her family again like that again for so long. Personally, I do want her to go to camp this summer because (aside from the money I already spent), my husband and I can really use a 3-1/2 week vacation.

Yelena told me last night that she didn’t want to go to school today because she was scared. I think she is worried about whatever consequence there might be at school for taking H’s iPhone (she told me that he had loaned it to her.) I said she had to go to school anyway and she said that yes, she knew that. I think she might be embarrassed about facing H and nervous because she doesn’t know how much the other students know about what happened.

She had trouble getting up this morning and has not had a shower since Monday night. I heard the cab honk their horn a few minutes ago and ran downstairs. (She had also forgotten her meds which I took down to her and she said: “Oh, I thought I had taken them." I leave them on the bathroom sink - it’s obvious.) I looked outside and realized the cab was stopped 1/2 way down the street with cars piling up behind him so I ran down the street in my nightgown and asked him to please turn around and come into our driveway. He said he didn’t know where the house was. Anyway, he did turn around and come back and honked and Yelena was sitting there eating pizza with a knife and fork and I said, “It’s 10 after 8 and they are waiting for you,” (the bus is supposed to come at 7:45 and she said, “I have not finished eating my breakfast.” I said put in on a paper plate and go.”  She kept eating. I think if I hadn’t gone downstairs when I did, she might not have gotten on the bus…

Stealing three phones and an iPod within the space of two weeks is a lot of theft even for Yelena. It could be the transition to high school, anxiety about the summer or something else. I know that she has got to be pretty upset about her therapist at school leaving because she hasn’t said one word to me about it and I haven’t asked her.

Anyway, I hope today goes well. I know that usually once she is there, she does fine. Let me know how it goes.

It's Raining Cats and Dogs...

Ah yes, the etymology of the phrase "it's raining cats and dogs"... There are a 
number of versions running around on the internet. I like these two:

The first: with 16th century European peasant homes frequently being thatched, 
animals seeking shelter from the elements would fall out during heavy rains.

The second: that drainage in 17th century Europe was typically poor so they would, 

during heavy rains, disgorge any of the animal corpses that had accumulated in them.

So... To take up where I left off. After our 9 hour visit to the ER, we took 

Yelena back to the ER the following Friday. Her return to the ER was also recommended by our in-home therapist and our family partner's concern 
for Yelena's safety and our safety. My husband made a list of everything 
that had happened in the past two weeks and it was quite a formidable list. 
Our family partner wrote the list down. This is the list:

    List of Inappropriate Behaviors:

• Stole $15 worth of chocolate covered strawberries that belonged to the girls
• Stole other food that belonged to the girls
• Dug in flower beds after being told not to
• Scraped moss off of rocks after being told not to
• Kicking the car with karate kicks
• Spit food out, threw salad on the ground and stormed up the street
• Brandished a knife (threateningly)
• Brandished a large spatula (threateningly)
• Broke a knife
• Stole $75. in $5 dollar bills and a leather jacket
• Stole another student's notebook in school
• Left the house twice without permission for 6 hours and refused to get in the car 
• when I went out looking for her.
• Barricaded me in my bedroom, took her baby pictures out of their frames and 
• tore them up and ripped up the book I was reading.

Unfortunately, we got to the ER on a Friday evening of a holiday weekend and 
Yelena's ER visit turned into a SIX DAY STAY IN THE ER. It still blows my 
mind to think about it. Totally inappropriate. They kept moving her around 
from room to room and finally ended up putting her in the area with locked 
doors and guards.

Then began a totally fruitless daily effort to try to get her out of there: emails 
and phone calls to everyone we could think of. We were told that there would 
be no CBAT beds for two weeks. Her therapist from school said that April and
May were the worst months for hospitalizations with kids. Amazing. Yelena had
a great time. She stayed in bed, watched TV all she wanted and had her meals delivered to her. She had a group of Child Life Specialists who brought her 
games, art materials, a portable DVD player and videos. 
And this went on for six days.

On Wednesday, I was told that she would be moved to an inpatient hospital 
about an hour south of us. Also, aside from being an impossibly far distance to 
visit regularly, it was a hospital with a lousy reputation. I hadn't hear ANYTHING 
good about it. My husband and I were on the phone all day (not unusual) - back 
and forth between each other, the ER, the agency that was looking for a bed, the psychiatrist. I was told that she had to go to an inpatient facility as the 
psychiatrist in the ER would not allow her to go to a CBAT. I called the 
psychiatrist and was given a very short and smug reply.  She essentially told me 
she was too busy to talk and I asked her, please, to just listen to me for a 
minute and she said no. She called me back a little while later to tell me that my daughter was going to an inpatient facility. I was furious. She was not able to 
hear me. I asked to speak to her supervisor and she said "I'm not sure" and 
I said "What? You're not sure of what? You're not sure who your supervisor is?" 
She said "No, I know who my supervisor is. I'm not sure you can talk to her." 
The attitude and bad vibe she was giving off was unbelievable. I begged her to 
consider a CBAT instead of in-patient but it all fell on deaf ears.

I called the agency that was looking for the bed and asked what would happen 
if I refused to sign her in. The woman told me that if I refused, they would 
probably would file a 51A against me - which is effectively telling the State of Massachusetts that we are abusing our child. It's what everyone seems to 
threaten me with when they are trying to force me to do something I don't 
want to do for Yelena. Something that I don't think is in her BEST INTEREST. 
The State of Massachusetts and I seem to disagree about what is in Yelena's 
best interests.

My husband called and told me it was too late, she was already in the 
ambulance on the way to the hospital.

A NOTE ON IN-PATIENT HOSPITAL PROGRAMS vs. CBAT PROGRAMS (Community Based  Acute Treatment):     

In hospitals, you cannot be forced to do anything. You don't have to take a shower, you don't have to wash your hair or brush your teeth or change your clothes or wash your clothes. You can watch TV all day if you want to. You can stay in bed all day if you want to. You can use the telephone as much as you want to call anyone you want and anyone can call you. There is very little to no therapeutic work done with patients.       

A CBAT is a highly structured, and monitored therapeutic milieu and crisis stabilization program where there is a very specific schedule that takes into account all of the above. As a parent you specify who can be in communication with your child and who they are allowed to call. They have regular exercise and school work. Males and females are strictly segregated. To my mind, the CBAT is much more highly structured (which Yelena needs) and far more therapeutic.     

There was a basketball court opposite the door to the hospital wing where Yelena was. I asked her if they ever went out to play basketball (which she loves) and she said no. They were confined to a small courtyard that the adult patients also used. They ate meals in a cafeteria with adult patients. None of those things are appropriate for Yelena. She told me that the adult patients used the courtyard to smoke cigarette and crack (no, I didn't ask her if she knew what crack was because I know she has no idea.) Yelena called me about 20 times a day while she was there - for no real reason I think but just because it was something to do. I didn't answer ALL the calls...

They released Yelena from the hospital on Wednesday. 
She is scheduled to start a partial hospitalization program on Tuesday for 2 weeks. It covers her for the vacation between middle school and high 
school but leaves us with a number of days with no plans for her - not a good condition under which to release 
her from the hospital.

I spent most of the day with her today which is my day off from work. I feel 
like there is a kind of institutionalization setting in. She is now spending 
more time in hospitals and other programs than she is at home. 
She said she was really tired and needs to rest (?) I said: 
you have been resting for two weeks, you need to get out an do a little activity. 
I told her that her in-home therapeutic mentor is coming tomorrow. She said: 
"Oh no, I just got out of the hospital. Give me a break.You can't make me 
get out of bed tomorrow." I said "She's coming at 11 and what happens after 
that is between the two of you. We went shopping and she 
refused to help bring the groceries in from the car and help put them away - 
she made herself a sandwich instead and sat down to eat. She learns a lot 
about how to behave from the other kids in the hospital and they are not there because their behavior is exemplary.

She is graduating from 8th grade on Wednesday. Her 
teacher said that all of the kids get dressed up in really 
nice clothes. I have been asking about what she wants 
to wear and asking to take her shopping. She says she 
won't wear a dress. I have suggested a number of things 
and she just says no. She only wears dirty baggy jeans 
and old T-shirts. I think I want her to get dressed properly 
for once so she will not feel out of place and be embarrassed 
but I really can't protect her from that and she needs to find 
out for herself. 
She is wearing bras that are about 2 sizes 
too small and she refuses to go with me to get new ones. 
Ok, I am going to leave it alone. 
Not one more word out of my mouth. I swear.

The Storm Clouds Continue to Gather...

This is the email I sent to Yelena's therapist this morning:

Thanks for your help.

Things have not been going very well - either on Yelena's end or ours.

We spent about 9 hours last night in the ER after my husband called the police. It was a kind of craziness that he ended up calling the cops in the first place - he thought that she was escalating but I didn't.  Everyone (the staff at the hospital, Yelena, myself and my husband) felt kind of 50/50 about having her admitted. In the end, she wanted to come home and we brought her home. 

I don’t really feel that 2 weeks in a CBAT is a solution. It is a vacation - TV, movies, junk food and trips. It is a break but it doesn't address any of the issues.

The other morning, I found her wallet on her bed in plain view (almost as if she had put it there for me to find) and it had $75 in it in 5 dollar bills - an unusual denomination for so many bills so we thought it might have come from some place specific. She had gone to the library without permission on Wednesday and Thursday nights and was there for about 5 or 6 hours each time. I called the library and they said that they were not missing money from their cash registers. I asked Yelena about it and pushed her a bit. At first she said that she had had it for a week and she honestly didn’t remember where she got it from. Right. The she finally told us before she left the hospital that she had gotten it from a kirtan/music that we had all gone to about a month ago where there was a basket that people put their contributions in. It makes some sense but I still don’t think that’s the truth. I know that it’s not the right thing to push her for the truth (partially since I am not getting anywhere) but it’s driving me nuts. I am also missing a gold necklace my mother gave me that is very valuable. She says she has no idea what I am talking about. I have torn the house upside down but I can’t find it. She is probably getting quite a buzz off of me for all this. I have been trying to talk to her and I keep hearing in the back of my head you saying that we talk to our children too much. 

I think this episode is far from over yet…

Warning: Storm Clouds Overhead...

     This morning after I woke her up for school (at 5:45 AM), Yelena turned on her Frozen CD really loud. Her boom-box is on the other side of the wall that separates our bedrooms and it is right near my head. I banged on the wall and asked her to lower the volume (which I have done before with no ill effects.) She didn't lower the volume so I asked again. Her response was to storm into my room and tell me that she didn’t want me banging on her wall and then she slammed the door really hard as she left the room. My husband got up to go to the bathroom and she yelled at him as well and then came in our room again and slammed the door a second time for emphasis. My husband went to the Y.

     My husband told me this morning that she ate some chocolate covered strawberries that the girls bought that were in the fridge with their name on them.  Ten dollars worth. They need to actually hide them not just put their name on them.

     After she left for school, I searched her room and I found:  

1. My spare set of car keys (I have been locking my car every night because I keep food in it).

2.  A really nice brand-new looking black leather jacket. It does not belong to us. I emailed her teacher about it.

3. A screwdriver and a pair of scissors (things that I don't keep around the house.

     It’s almost like she is acting out because she feels guilty.

     I called my husband this afternoon from work to see how things were going after she came home. He said that he was in the kitchen with everyone and he said to Yelena: "This would be a really good time to apologize to W. for eating her chocolate covered strawberries." Apparently she apologized and my husband said that they had cost $10. and that he had already reimbursed the girls and expected that she would reimburse him.

    When I came home from work, Yelena was very surly towards me. I said that I was going to make us a big salad with everything in it and she said she didn't want salad. Everyone else was going out to eat dinner and to listen to my husband sing at a local restaurant. I took some chicken out of the freezer and she said "I don't want chicken either." She asked why I was so angry with her and I said that I didn't feel close to her and I felt like she was pushing me away. She said that she knew she wasn't going to be allowed to go to Karate tomorrow. I said that Daddy and I had to discuss it. She said that she knew we had thrown out her DVD player and all her Avatar (the Last Airbender) books and DVD's and all I said was they they were being kept safe for her. She laughed and said "Yeah, safe in the garbage." She repeated these accusations several times but I didn't say anything further,

     I decided on risotto and started cutting onions and mushrooms. I had a large kitchen knife which she took and pointed at me. I didn't blink. I told her to please put the knife down several times which she did not do. She held it up to herself and said she would cut herself and I said that I didn't think so. She said "Well, I will use it. I have already committed suicide several times already." It was hard not to laugh. My husband was still at home and about to leave. He told me to leave and go to a friends house. I got my bag and my computer but Yelena beat me out of the door and went and stood in front of my car door so that I couldn't get into my car. We went back into the house and I went back to cooking my risotto. I told my husband to go and he told me that he wanted to be sure that I was safe (and that we were both safe) and to call him later. I went to say goodbye to him and coming back into the kitchen, Yelena blocked the door. I said "Excuse me" several times but she made no effort to move. She told me that she was a lot stronger than I was and I couldn't stop her from doing whatever she wanted to. I forced my way into the kitchen to turn off the stove. She encircled me like a coat so I couldn't move. I got free and I grabbed my purse and headed out to the car. She followed me and said: "If you want me, I will be at the library" and she took off down the street. I got in my car and then decided to follow her a little ways. She looked like she was about to turn around to go home but saw me and continued on her way. I went to get some Sushi.

     When I got home at 9:30, all the lights in the house were on. The kitchen was a mess. She had eaten leftover pizza and had not cleaned up. I started washing dishes. She came into the kitchen and said "I'm sorry, Mommy." I said that I knew she was sorry and I kissed her on the forehead. I asked her to clean up her dishes (while I finished the 1/2 made risotto). She cleaned up and then she said she was going up to bed.

     I know it isn't over yet...